Confessions of a Twenty Something

I'm doing an OU course in Nutrition. It is driving me mad. I have found that I can only concentrate on the assignment if I am eating custard creams. Surely that defeats the object? I have taken today off to try and get it done, but it is not going well. I have overdosed on tea to try and justify the packet of biscuits I am devouring. Suppose I ought to get back to it...

I'm shocked to see it has been two years since I wrote my last blog. How quickly time passes. Unfortunately, my focus rapidly changed when my beloved Dad got cancer. He lost his very brave battle in June 2008 and I am so proud of his inspirational outlook on life. I miss him terribly.

Having just turned 30, I am not sure whether the blog should have a name change, but I like it just the way it is.

So a quick update: I now live with Burnley Boy - we're not married, but we do have a hamster! We've just moved Down South, but I still have a season ticket at Sincil Bank (Dad wouldn't want it any other way). City are still in the 4th Division Old Money.

I hope you are all doing well and spending precious time with the people you love.

Oh Lord help me. This weekend I am meeting Burnley Boy's mother. I am totally petrified. I mean, she's probably a lovely lady, but I'm never going to be good enough for her baby am I?

BB thinks that, considering we have been dating for 50 weeks (he's actually counting), I should meet her. He met my parents ages ago, but they're cool parents, so I don't think that counts.

My biggest issue is what should I wear? I haven't had a great track record with mothers. Y's mother and I had an understanding (I hated her, I think she felt very much the same to the extent that I am still suspicious that she had something to do with our break-up, although frustratingly, I can't prove anything and nor do I really care anymore). For that meeting I went for Preppy (his Dad went to Cambridge and is some kind of Law Boffin. Equally annoyingly, I really liked him).

I clearly failed on that front, although I don't think I was ever unfortunate enough to get one of their "family nicknames" for outsiders. His elder sister's boyfriend was often referred to as "Bongo Billy" which I was always tremendously uncomfortable with. Luckily the poor boy was pushed out of the family in a similar way to the way that I later was.

So for meeting JJ's mother and father, I went for Sophisticated. This back fired as JJ's father seemed rather TOO impressed, if you catch my drift. His mother was lovely, although she did try to steal my full length Jasper Conran faux-fur winter coat.

I am thinking "Floral"? Or maybe Jeans and a top? I don't know!!! Help Me!!!

On top of all this, he has annouced that we should "do something" for our one year dating anniversary. I'm quite frankly amazed that he has even remembered. I wait with bated breath for his suggestion.

While watching another episode of Sex and The City last night (I still haven't scratched the surface of the box set yet!) I had my epiphany. I was actually taking a sip out of my tea and spluttered it back out when I heard Carrie Bradshaw tell me, quickly and simply, what was wrong with me, or rather, what was wrong with them.

The men I have chosen to date (latest catch excepted) just don't "get me".

It is not me that has had the problem, it is them ... Y and JJ. They haven't understood the complexities of me. Not only that, they haven't bothered to even try. When the time came to try and dig a little deeper and learn a little more, they didn't understand and so they walked away. At the time I felt distraught. In one Carrie Bradshaw sentence, I feel enlightened.

Ironically, I very rarely argued with Y. I can think of twice (the second time being the Jilting). I had no reason to assume things weren't fabulous, but here comes the crunch. When the time came to dig a little deeper, Y stopped, couldn't be bothered and walked away. The same with JJ. Actually, I can't even think of a time when we actually argued, but then it all came crashing down and he was not willing to work at it.

So the bottom line is this, I can try and be a little more "Simple" for a little longer (until I have the ring on my finger!) or I can wait until I find someone that gets me.

With Burnley Boy there is something different. We argue all the time. I am forever expecting the worst, but it never comes. Quite frankly, despite the fact that he seems to adore me, he doesn't think twice of biting back in an argument. He challenges me. Often he drives me to the brink of madness. Does that mean that he gets me?

To be honest, I think I can finally see through the smoke. Do I really want to spend a lifetime with someone like JJ or Y, who can't be bothered to learn about me and embrace what and who I am? Shouldn't I wait until I find someone who understands what makes me tick? I think so.

So, I tried to imagine what life would have been like if I had married Y. I take the four years we were together and multiple them up, and I am horrified by what I see. I think about the person that I am now and the person that he is now and I can't imagine the two together. I think he would have suffocated me. I might be single, but at least I can breathe.

Then I imagined what life would be like with someone who "Got Me", grew with me, challenged me and actually cared about my hopes and dreams and aspirations. Much better.

I think Carrie Bradshaw has got something there....

Okay, so I am feeling slightly guilty about not having blogged all summer (there has been a very valid reason, I promise). So I am going to tell you about my birthday last Saturday.

Although the idea of turning 28 could have been slightly depressing, BB ensured a good day all round by taking me to the seaside where we played crazy golf, visited a model village paddled in the North Sea and went on a roller coaster which didn't scare us despite looping the loop, and another roller coaster, which did scare us due to the fact that it could have done with half a bottle of WD40 tipped over every hinge and joint.

My boyfriend is ace. I mean, most of the things listed above, most 30 year-old men would probably baulk at, but BB was happy to do whatever I wanted because it was my birthday. He even let me have American Dreamz out on DVD, and I believe he has a full blown allergy to Hugh Grant. BB even got me a birthday cake with those candles that don't go out on top in the shape of my initial (sometimes he's so sweet it's uncharacteristic).

And I got some amazing presents to defy the fact I was 28. Mum and Dad (the coolest parents ever - they even got me my Imp Tattoo for my 26th birthday!) got me a Nintendo DS Lite, which I am treating like a life support machine and taking everywhere with me. BB bought me the ENTIRE sex and the city collection on DVD. I am 18 episodes into it and haven't even scratched the surface. It's ace. I have promised not to make him watch it.

And of course Lincoln Won!!!

I started my AS Level in Psychology last night. Having got an A* in the GCSE, I thought it rude not to . I find it fanscinating. Not only can I use it to understand people in general, I can try and use it to understand ME!

At 28, I had fully expected to be happily married by now, but I although I would love to settle down with a certain someone with a penchant for claret and blue, there is always this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me think - hold on. I know this is a problem. I mean, when I find myself thinking that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with(we won't even go into yesterday's issue of whether he even considers me to be in the running for the role of Wife), this horrible panic sweeps through me. I find myself listing in my head all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea (mainly practical and logistical reasons), all the things that could go wrong. At this point I know I take a step back from him and he probably thinks I'm wierd.

But I have a theory about this. I think I have developed a self-defence mechanism following the disaster that I called a love life in my early twenties. I certainly wasn't prepared for all the things that went wrong with Y or J. This meant that it all fell on me like a concrete pillar and it hurt. I think the little pixie that appears on my shoulder saying "Ooo, I wouldn't go there if I was you. You KNOW what will happen if you let go, don't you?" is my way of putting a protective cage around my feelings. I hadn't managed it in the short time between finishing with Y and getting together with J. That was why I basically crumbled at the end of that disaster.

All in all, I think I have tried, on the face of it, to become hard towards relationships. To protect myself from what happens at the end. Assuming that there will be an end. There might not be. I hope there isn't this time.

On Saturday 14th September 2002, I was supposing to be marrying my University Sweetheart, Y. It never happened. Yesterday, I found out through Friends Reunited of all places that he was getting married to Replacement Girlfriend on September the 1st. I am very happy for them. It means I can finally shake of the guilt of that awful text message conversation, where he announced he was having trouble getting over me (it had been seven months) and I had to tell him that no, we couldn’t talk it through because I had a new man. God I felt crap.

Y is not one of the people in this world for whom the phrase opposites attracts rings true. At home I have a picture of the two of us one crazy night at University when I had got home from a club and Y was already in his Pyjamas and green towelling dressing gown. One of my friends felt it was important to capture this key event in our relationship. I never did managed to appreciate what they were trying to tell me until it was too late to save my feelings. Y and I were completely unsuitable for one another.

However, what does annoy me is this: he never once mentioned to me that he was engaged to her, let alone getting married. Maybe I was supposed to guess this when he told me they were buying a house together, or when he refused to meet me at the university reunion because she was in tow, but I thought we still had the courtesy to mention such important life issues to each other when we chatted over email.

What hurt me more though, even more than Y not mentioning it, is the action of our mutual friends. Surely some of then knew and I would guess that some of them even went to the wedding. What was I, the Evil One? What did they expect if they mentioned it to me? That I would turn up at the church at the point where the vicar says “If anyone knows of any just reason blah blah blah…” and billow in shouting “YES! YES! I DO!!! He used to be engaged to me and although, thankfully, he left me to save me from a life time of misery and a horrible mother-in-law, he has no right to be happy in his life when he hurt me as badly as he did …”.

Okay, that may be what I think!! But I am not the villain in this piece. I did not walk out on him. And although I certainly don’t want him anymore, I feel like some people may have sided with him over me and that doesn’t feel very nice. It also doesn’t feel very nice that he was the one that hurt me and yet he is now happily married to his mirror image whilst I am here dating a man that I am not sure will ever want to marry me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Burnley Boy and I have no reason to doubt him when he says that he loves me. But when I met JJ within two weeks I was meeting the parents and he was announcing his plans to marry me. He said he knew straight away that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. It was the same with Y. I think you do “just know” when you meet someone like that and well, Burnley Boy has just never acted that way. Having said that, JJ dumped me in favour of Australia and Y jilted me… so it was all lies anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to get it out of my head that Burnley Boy dumped me once (for a full 24 hours!), so I think it is unlikely that he has any kind of burning desire to marry me ever. That said, he does want me to meet his mother (or maybe his mother wants to analyse me, not too sure).

Well, I’ll just wait for my piece of wedding cake to come through the post!!

Okay, so I have been a bit slack writing about City this season - sorry readers! As you may be aware, we are the football league's leading scorers and unbeaten as yet this season. The football is much more of a pleasure to watch and I have found great delight in shouting "Hoof!" when our visitors punt it down the channels (now I see why everyone loved having a go about our style of play!).

Anyway, we are playing Milton Keynes Dons (Franchise FC) at the Bank on Saturday. A nearly top of the table clash!

The new season starts on two weeks and then this blog will spring back into life after it's summer break.

I had the pleasure of meeting the lovely John Deehan, our new Director of Football on Sunday afternoon and found him a very personable and interesting man. I am currently very happy that my beloved football club is in his hands.

He was very enthusiastic about the possible signing of Ryan Semple from 'Boro and it was good to see Semple come on board last night!

I also met our new signings, Mark Stallard and Adie Moses (as well as my usual swooning over Lee Beevers and Danny Bacon - I actually met Danny's dad and nephew this time!). Photos to follow when I get going again.

Our new management team!!

Anounced early this morning, City have a brand new structure to first team management - a Director of Football and a Head Coach.

Another promotion for City Favourite John "Armholes - get after that Bugger!!" Schofield sees him take the reigns as Head Coach. Not so much of a Sincil Bank welcome as an "as you were" Schoey. John took more of a leading role in first team affairs after the "gardening leave debacle" at New Year which correspondened quite nicely with the Imps turn of form seeing us land the final play-off spot.

Our new "Director of Football" - he's the Manager isn't he?! is John Deehan. He's had success as a player and manager - managing at Internation and Premiership level and was assistant to our own "Uncle" Graham Taylor as Aston Villa. I have a strong belief that we might start to play it on the ground.Exciting things ahead at Sincil Bank!!

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