I started my AS Level in Psychology last night. Having got an A* in the GCSE, I thought it rude not toD. I find it fanscinating. Not only can I use it to understand people in general, I can try and use it to understand ME!

At 28, I had fully expected to be happily married by now, but I although I would love to settle down with a certain someone with a penchant for claret and blue, there is always this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me think - hold on. I know this is a problem. I mean, when I find myself thinking that he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with(we won't even go into yesterday's issue of whether he even considers me to be in the running for the role of Wife), this horrible panic sweeps through me. I find myself listing in my head all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea (mainly practical and logistical reasons), all the things that could go wrong. At this point I know I take a step back from him and he probably thinks I'm wierd.

But I have a theory about this. I think I have developed a self-defence mechanism following the disaster that I called a love life in my early twenties. I certainly wasn't prepared for all the things that went wrong with Y or J. This meant that it all fell on me like a concrete pillar and it hurt. I think the little pixie that appears on my shoulder saying "Ooo, I wouldn't go there if I was you. You KNOW what will happen if you let go, don't you?" is my way of putting a protective cage around my feelings. I hadn't managed it in the short time between finishing with Y and getting together with J. That was why I basically crumbled at the end of that disaster.

All in all, I think I have tried, on the face of it, to become hard towards relationships. To protect myself from what happens at the end. Assuming that there will be an end. There might not be. I hope there isn't this time.